Jamaica Jim's Silly Stuff - "The Carib Bean"


 
"The Carib Bean" - Version 1 and 2

Warning: Reading the below text can be hazardous -- to your bad mood!

These two files were created by Jamaica Jim Jordan to provide information about an extremely serious situation that may be prevalent in many places in the Caribe Basin.  The "Carib Bean" files were created to lend a note of authenticity (!) to the history of the Caribbean -- and to try -- in my ham-handed way -- to teach folks how the word is spelled!  It should be noted that I've taken the liberty of loosely using "The Sermon of the Peasle Tree" as a starting point from which to develope my second interpretations of how to spell "Caribbean!" 

(NOTE:The following were created with my tongue pressed firmly against the interior of my mouth!)

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"The Carib Bean"
A Humorous Look at History - Version One
by
Jamaica Jim Jordan

Over the years, I've noticed that a plethora of people in cyber space sometimes seem to trip up when spelling the name that's associated with that HUGE body of water and the islands that pretty much ring it - and you ALL know which body of water THAT is! 

Yes, Dear Hearts - it's that place that's so near and dear to our hearts - and MINDS!  It's the sea that lies south of most of the Greater Antilles, west of the Leewards and Windwards, north of the South America continent and east of Central America!  You got it!  The CARIBBEAN! 

Yes, but all too frequently, some folks tend to include two "R's" and only one "B" when typing it out! <sigh> Oh, we all know that it CAN be pronounced two ways - and therein lies the problem! Just as some folks say "po-TAT-to" and others say "po-TAY-to" - some folks say "Carry-BE-an" and others say "Ca-RIB-be-an"! (By the way, either is correct!)  BUT - there is ONLY one way to SPELL it!

It's C-A-R-I-B-B-E-A-N!  It AIN'T C-A-R-R-I-B-E-A-N!

So, this message is posted so all y'all will NEVER again misspell (Yes, misspell DOES have two "S's" and two "L's" - look it up in your Funk and Wagnalls!) the name of that sea! 

Now, first, a quick "Jamaica Jim" history lesson! 

Some historians have attempted to promulgate that the sea and the area derived their name from a tribe of Indians - the Caribes.  Not true!  For, in the Gospel according to "St. Jim the Oneth", the name actually came from a lovable, likeable, li'l --- LEGUME!  Yup, you read that correctly!  The name actually derived from a lowly li'l - BEAN -- the CARIB BEAN! <serious look> You don't believe that?  Well, I never lied to you before, did I?  (Least, not so's you'd know IT!) <G> 

Yes, dear friends and family, it was that li'l legume - that tiny tidbit - that picayune pea - that gave us the name that is emblazoned in our psyche and that is stamped in our passports - the Carib Bean!  But, let me expand and expound on that lowly legume that has made such a change in ALL our lives! 

First off, the Carib Bean was first "discovered" by good ol' Chris Columbus on his second voyage to the New World - or as Chris called it (using what later became known as the "Jordanial Numbering System" after MY great-great-great-great grand uncle, Jacobi Jordan, that earliest of all mathematicians), his twoth trip!  He was sailing past one of the islands named for The 11,000 Virgins that were martyred way back in the Fourth Century, when he espied something floating near the shore - and using his primitive telescope, he made shore what it was!  And, what it was -- was a Carib Bean!  Yes, that was the ONETH time that a Carib Bean had been seen, certainly by anybody from Europe! 

Michael rowed the boat ashore - and Chris shore figured he'd found something that would make him famous!  And, it DID!  Cause when Chris asked the Caribe Indians what that thing was, they said, in the Caribe language, "Aw hell, it's just a carib bean!" <Sheesh> (Just listen - if you start carping, you'll never find out what happened to that bean!) 

Well, ol' Chris had the Indians bring him huge baskets of carib beans and when his food stocks of Godiva chocolates, which had started running low, ran completely out, why, the crews of Nina (named for my later "first wife") and Pinta (named for a car that was designed by an early Italian inventor) and the Santa Maria (named after a Mary of later years, who lived in California) just hauled out those baskets - and had a meal of fried carib beans! And, that's how the discoverers of the New World were able to survive the long return journey back to the court of Issie and Ferdie, where the news of the new carib bean made history! 

Now, we jump forward in time to the era of the Great Recent Unpleasantness - or as it was known in the South, the War of Northern Aggression!  (You Yankees in the back row - stop that bitching!)  It was ol' General United States Grant who first said, "War is Hell - specially when you can't get no good carib beans!" 

And, long AFTER those brave Citadel cadets fired on the Yankees at Fort Sumpter - just across from the confluence of the Ashley and Cooper Rivers  comes together and forms the Atlantic Ocean, and General Robert Edward Lee, a descendant of Lighthorse Harry Lee, who lightened the pastures of horses belonging to some other folks, had turned his saber into a plow share - on a small plantation in Alabama, a man named George Washington Carver found that somebody had inadvertently mixed up some peanuts and a couple of carib beans in his bucket!  He was easily able to extract the beans from those piddling peanuts and he created an entire industry around the carib bean! 

While the world made much note of his work with peanuts, what he did with carib beans had far greater influence on the entire world for years to come!  In the oneth place, good ol' George W. Carver found that the carib bean had far more protein, oil, and carbohydrates than did the peanut!  He also found a LOTTA uses for the plant.  Carib bean plants left in the fields provided food for cows and pigs and also, when plowed back into the soil, as a fine manure. 

Well, it's getting late and I'm a mite tired, so the rest of the carib bean saga will just hafta wait for another time.  I'll try to remember to tell y'all bout a cartoonist - Charles N. Shultz (NOT related to Charles M. Shultz of "Peanuts" fame, but another one) - who made his life's career of creating a cartoon called "Carib Beans"!  He had such characters as Whinus, Charles Brownie, Loosely Lucy, and a lovable hound named Sloopy, who imagines he is -- Ollie North!! <BG> 

NOW -- y'all, please remember -- it's the CARIB BEAN! <sniggle>

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The Carib Bean
A Humorous Look at History - Version Two
by
Jamaica Jim Jordan

(I hope my readers will forgive me for taking liberties with my version of "The Peasle Tree" and corrupting it -- to use in the following humorous look at history!  J³)

What follows was transcribed from a post-World War Twoth wire recording, the fidelity of which was pret--ty low - which might explain why it sounded a bit like two cats fighting in a paper sack!  It should also be noted that The Reverend "Bubba" Jim Bob Longneck was pretty good at reading "reading" - but not too swift at reading "writing!"

As the recording begins, the listener can hear the faint, final strains of that fine old hymn, "Turn Your Radio On", sung by the Heavenly Angels Trio of the Oneth Batholic Church of Tupefalla, Georgia.  The Reverend "Bubba" has just mounted the pulpit and he begins his sermon....

"Brothers and Sisters, I been sorta took up the past week - what with having an audit of the church's tax return for last year by the Ewe Ess Infernal Revenue Service - and 'gleaning in the vineyard of The Lawd, in the front seat of my nice, new 1948 Packard Roadster, with Sister Lonelle Sue Lazybones, to whom I was ministering with some 'laying on of hands!' 

"Therefore, I ain't had time to prepare a right theologic sermon to hold forth on, to y'all on this bright, sunny Sabbath morning!  So, I'm just gonna let my lovely leather like, Naugahyde, bound edition of the King James the Oneth Bible drop open and wherever my eyes doth fall, I'll KNOW that the Lawd has guided my eyes to that text, to hold forth on to y'all today! 

"And, we see here that the book has dropped open to the Gospel according to St. Jim, chapter XXXXVII, verse 294, in which it says, 'Moses worshipped the Lawd with the harp and the instrument of seven strings and the ... uh ... uh ... p s a l t r e.' 

"So, Brothers and Sisters, ol' Moses worshipped the Lawd with the harp and the instrument of seven strings and the  p s a l t r e.  Hummm? The ... Peasle Tree!  Now, my sermon today is bout the ... Peasle Tree!  Yes!  And, also bout the Carib Bean, cause they're both prominent in what y'all are bout to hear! 

"Now, the Peasle Tree was a tree that grew up in the Land of Israel, down on Mista Pharaoh's Carib Bean plantation. And, one day, ol' Moses - he was working down in the Carib Bean patch on the South forty - had a revelation!  The Lawd came to him in a vision and said in a loud voice, 'MOSES!  Get yoah self outta that Carib Bean patch and get those Chillun of Israel and take 'em to The Promised Land!  I HAS spake!' 

"Moses picked himself up from the ground - where he fell when that loud voice scared him - and he said, 'Lawd, I gonna DO that very thing!'  Then, Moses went over to the Peasle Tree and he cut him a limb - a nice straight limb - and he him made a Peasle Tree staff outta it.

"He took his Peasle Tree staff and he walked up to the BIG front door of Mista Pharaoh's plantation mansion.  (Now, y'all gotta know, ol' Mista Pharaoh was quite THE quality fellow, in THOSE parts, in THOSE days.)  Moses, he went up to the front door and he grabbed the big brass knocker and he bammed on the door!  One of Mista Pharaoh's house boys opened the door and he said, 'Moses?  What you doin' beating on Mista Pharaoh's front door?' 

"Moses just said, 'You tell Mista Pharaoh that Moses is here to speak to him!'  The boy said, 'Moses!  YOU know Mista Pharaoh ain't up yet!  He ain't had his mint julep this morning and he ain't even read the morning Atlanta Journal!'  Moses just said, 'You just go TELL Mista Pharaoh I's HERE!!' 

"Bout that time, ol' Pharaoh himself appeared at the door and said, 'Moses?  What you wanna see me bout?'  Moses said, 'Mista Pharaoh, I want you to let my chillun go!' 

"'YOAH chillun!  You ain't got no chillun!  Heck, you ain't even married, Moses!'said Pharaoh. 

"'I mean the Chillun of Israel!' said Moses!

"Hold on, there, Moses!  How come I gotta let those chillun go?  Didn't I just give 'em a raise in the minimum wage?  And, didn't I give 'em the Fourth of July and Labor Day and George Washington's birthday off?  And, ain't there a whole bunch of Carib Bean patches that ain't been harvested yet?  And, who SAYS I gotta let those chillun go, anyhow?"

"Moses - he didn't say anything!  He just laid the Peasle Tree staff on the ground and he said the magic words three times and - the P'sal Tree staff turned into a -- FIERY serpent!  And, ol' Moses just reached down and grabbed that fiery serpent by the tail and slung it round his head three times - and it changed back into the Peasle Tree staff! 

"Now, Pharaoh - HE was a mite BIT taken 'back by THAT!! 

"Ol' Pharaoh said, 'Whee-eew!  Moses, whilst we been talking here, I been thinking!' <smile> 'Those chillun of your's AIN'T much good as field hands anyway!  AND they're costing me an arm and a leg. just to feed and house 'em!  AND they've even been talking amongst themselves bout joining up with that infernal International Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Carib Bean Pickers, Farm Workers Union Weekend Choir Association!  I tell you what I'm gonna DO!  I'm just gonna let 'em GO!  Who needs this kinda stuff first thing of a morning anyway?' 

"So, Moses - he called in all the field hands from the Carib Bean patches all round Pharaoh's plantation and he said to 'em, 'Hurry and harvest all the Carib Beans y'all can!  Then, go over to the Carib Bean granaries and get all them Carib Beans from last summer's harvest and load 'em all in the Studebaker wagons!  Hitch up them Missouri mules to the wagons!  Dig up the Peasle Tree and load it on that Dodge pick-em-up-truck!  The Chillun of Israel is leaving - headed for The Promised Land!' 

"Brothers and Sisters, can I have an 'Amen' for those Chillun heading for The Promised Land?" 

"Amen, Brother Bubba!'"

"Now, Brothers and Sisters, it is recorded in the Good Book, that Moses lead the Chillun of Israel out cross the dessert, to the Red Sea!  And, when they got there, the Chillun of Israel say, "MOSES?  Wha' we gonna do?  There ain't no ferry and there ain't no ford!  How we gonna get across?"  Moses - he was cool as that ol' proverbial cucumber - he just raised up the Peasle Tree staff and said the magic words seven times - and the wind whistled thru the leaves of the P'sal Tree - and the Red Sea opened up wide - and the Chillun of Israel crossed on dry foot! 

"And, when they got to the other side, they looked back to see all the hosts of Pharaoh's Egyptian armies, a'coming after 'em! And, they said to Moses, 'MOSES?  Wha' we gonna DO? Ol' Pharaoh has his armies coming' to GET us!'  Moses - he didn't say anything!  He just raised up that Peasle Tree staff and said the magic words seven times - and the wind whistled thru the leaves of the Peasle Tree - and the Red Sea closed up and drowned ALL the hosts of Mista Pharaoh's armies!

"How bout another'"Amen' for those Chillun?"

"Amen, Brother Bubba, amen!"

"It is further recorded in the Good Book, that Moses and the Chillun of Israel wandered for forty days and forty nights in the Wilderness!  And one day, they came to Moses and they said, 'MOSES!  We're hungry!  We ain't got nothing to eat!'  And Moses said, 'What?  Nothing to EAT?  Heck, y'all just go out there to that Peasle Tree and pick y'all some Peasles!  Yeah, and there's a whole raft of them wagons just plumb full of CARIB BEANS!  Y'all can eat all the Peasles and Carib Beans y'all want!  It's gonna be Peasles and Carib Beans for everybody!'  (And, by the way, since the Carib Beans taste a li'l like pork when they're baked, that's really where "pork and beans" got their start!)

"And, my Brothers and Sisters, it is recorded that the Chillun of Israel picked forty bushels of Peasles that day!  And, the Carib Beans gave the Chillun of Israel plenty of gas - for the Dodge pick-em-up-truck!  And, it is said, that the Chillun of Israel were guided by a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night!  It wadn't no cloud - it was just the shade from the leaves of the Peasle Tree! And, it wadn't a pillar of fire - it was just the gas from those Carib Beans burning! 

"So, dear Brothers and Sisters - when the ol' World is wrapped up like an newspaper and tossed on The Fiery Flames - and the goats are gathered on the left and the sheep are gathered on the right - if Y'ALL wanna be with the sheep and NOT with the goats - y'all better have a Peasle Tree staff in your hand - and a right smart bunch of Carib Beans in yoah pocket!  Amen!"
 

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